CKD... Vegan or Carnivore? Fat or No Fat? Eat This, Don't Eat That...

I am angry. Angry with myself for listening to others when I should have been listening to my body. Angry that I allowed my head to be filled with fear of all sorts of foods. Too much omega 6 is bad they say... eat your omega 6 others say. Meat causes heart disease they say, cholesterol is good others say. Nightshades are toxic, eat your tomatoes, they are full of lycopene and so on until you can't take anymore and your head explodes like a poached egg in a microwave, scramble everywhere.

I can't remember when it all started exactly. Actually I do. I lost a lot of weight thai boxing, and did not want to put it back on. I was often thoughtful of my food choices but what really got the ball of anxiety and fear for food rolling was a divorce and a diagnosis of ckd. I was stage 2, not so bad I was told. Then came repeated uti's, death inducing antibiotics and a desire to fix myself, to find an answer to my health. Gone was the invincibilty of youthfulness, I was only 29. Then came a pregnancy. A wonderful little child who is now seven. We just about survived with our lives. I now have stage 3 ckd. Not long after an emergency c-section, my doctor decided to scare the sh#$ out of me or others may say, just state the  truth "If you don't take these meds you will die young"? It upsets me now even writing it. I didn't want to take those meds. I wanted to find another way to fix my kidneys. If only I could, then my focus went to preventing further decline, if only I could stop that too. By this point, months after my child arrived I had tried veganism, low protein, low fat. Wtf was I thinking. I got so ill so many times. Im so lucky to be alive really. Only when I started watching carnivore videos did my brainwashing subside, but I did not want to go to the otherside. My body tells me I need both plants and meat. It was only when I told a counsellor recently that I was affraid to eat certain foods that I realised I needed to move on from the carnivore videos and just listen to my body, and that is what I am trying to do at the moment, trying not to let regret fill my heart.

Thanks for reading this far. Maybe someone somewhere will relate. Maybe someone somewhere will be helped. You walk this earth only once, find yourself. X

Celebrating Christmas and the New Year. Celebrating the Winter Solstice.

Christmas and New year seem redundant to me. Religion has my stories which I believe act as a moral compass in life but what is an atheist actually celebrating when they buy presents and put up a tree?

The 21st of December was the start of the new year for me.

The cold glare of the sun at its lowest point. The long dark nights at their peak.
The wildlife snuggly laying dormant In their burrows just as I wish to do every day under the duvet.

The days, weeks and months ahead will steadily change giving way to a whirlwind romance.

The new life, the fresh fruit, the warm seas, the butterflies, the bees.

Finally the late summer harvest to feed us hard working hungry humans through the next cold winter.

Bring on Halloween and bonfire night, Orion shining bright.

HAPPY WINTER SOLTICE

My Dad

My Dad passed away 11 days ago now.

Although he previously had a heart attack and had been on medication for 10 years, the day he died was still a shock.

Only a few days before I had spoke to him about a family holiday from my childhood.

Things were looking up for me regarding my anxiety and I wanted to help my Dad with his. It is too late now and that's makes me feel sad and guilty that I did not do it before, but how could I? I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

Everything my Dad did was for other people and he found it hard to let people close. He did his best in everything, driven by his compassionate nature.

I always made an effort to keep in touch and instead of beating myself up, I too have come to the conclusion that I also do my best, just like my Father did before me.

MY DAD

"I have lost my my Dad and I am sad
He always did his best.

He came from dust where he shall return
Now his mind's at rest."

My loyal caring Dad

Family Doodle

This is a doodle of my Auntie that I drew while on the phone to her. I feel as though I was not thinking while drawing. It came from within.

It is a resemblance but I guess you'd have to know her to agree!

What I Have Discovered about No Poo

On my No Poo journey I have discovered many things but the most shocking one to me is that No Poo, to most and now me, is not No Product!

Thinking over my struggles, research and the bicarb rinses of others it dawned on me that I may have actually been walking around with soap in my hair, soap that had reacted with the minerals in the hard water the pours through my taps each day and this hard water, I have read also encourages the scales of your hair to stand up thus making your hair rough and prone to breakage. Soft water does the opposite and smoothes your hairs scales flat encouraging soft, shiny locks.

Maybe this was the reason my hair felt so Shit and was ruining my confidence.

It was breaking point for me a week ago. How can I start college or go to work like this? Hair must be washed. But how and what was the plan ahead?

Seeing as I cannot afford a water filter system for my home I decided to make a compromise. Wash with a normal shampoo which I read is a detergent and not a soap?! What's the difference? I read that detergent reacts much less with the minerals in hard water creating less reaction and buildup than regular bar soap.

I used the smallest amount of shampoo possible to ensure my hair was clean but no conditioner, I did not want build up from that.

I was happy, I felt fresh, I felt confident, I felt acceptable but what to do between now and the next wash which I intended to drag out as long as possible?

Rain water! Collect rain water. But how? A saucepan will do. Luckily this is England. We have lots of rain! I placed my sauce pan outside and managed to collect enough water to half fill a spray bottle. I noticed more water collecting on my garden bench so decided to harvest that too.

With my full spray bottle the plan was to spray and brush my hair each evening which I have been doing up to this day. That makes one week so far. My hair has looked and felt great all week, slowly becoming more shiny but not greasy. Today I feel it may be starting to turn and I have run out of rain water so will see what the morning brings.

If no rain appears I will use the softest water I have found in the super market, Morrison's own that had a dry residue of 37, which basically means its low in minerals compared to other brands but not pure like rain water. I may try a spray and brush with this. If no luck it will be a wash and start the cycle again.

If I can go at least a week between washes I will be happy :)

I also discovered how soap was made in the good ol days. That's a post for another day!

Farvel..

No poo update

I refer to my previous post where I decided to give the no poo a couple more days... I gave it one more day before deciding to wash it. Instead of shampoo I used hand soap with only a few ingredients in and used it mainly near the back of my head and crown near the roots, I could feel it had not washed away all the oils so I was happy to feel fresher while managing not to Strip my hair of oils.

For some reason this made my hair look quite light for the first day and there were more tangles during preening but as of now my hair looks and feels fantastic.

In the days since I lightly washed my hair the build up of sebum has been extremely light.

I brush and preen once in the morning and am happy when I look in the mirror that I can be in public without a hat.

I still get rainwater on my hair as soon as the clouds start producing!

Just wondering how long I can go this time and what difference the hand bar soap will have made to that amount of time?

No poo anxiety.

I am day 12 into no poo. I have got my hair in the rain 3 times as I have hard water and decided not to wash it while in the shower.

For the first time I am starting worry my hair smells and wondering if it is all worth it?

I have my partner smell my hair and he said it just smells like hair. Then said maybe a little greasy but only when you put your nose up to it.

I really want to continue with the experiment as my hair is starting to look good but if it's gonna make me smell I may have to re-think.

I have sprayed some perfume on my hair and will see how the next few days go.....