I am angry. Angry with myself for listening to others when I should have been listening to my body. Angry that I allowed my head to be filled with fear of all sorts of foods. Too much omega 6 is bad they say... eat your omega 6 others say. Meat causes heart disease they say, cholesterol is good others say. Nightshades are toxic, eat your tomatoes, they are full of lycopene and so on until you can't take anymore and your head explodes like a poached egg in a microwave, scramble everywhere.
I can't remember when it all started exactly. Actually I do. I lost a lot of weight thai boxing, and did not want to put it back on. I was often thoughtful of my food choices but what really got the ball of anxiety and fear for food rolling was a divorce and a diagnosis of ckd. I was stage 2, not so bad I was told. Then came repeated uti's, death inducing antibiotics and a desire to fix myself, to find an answer to my health. Gone was the invincibilty of youthfulness, I was only 29. Then came a pregnancy. A wonderful little child who is now seven. We just about survived with our lives. I now have stage 3 ckd. Not long after an emergency c-section, my doctor decided to scare the sh#$ out of me or others may say, just state the truth "If you don't take these meds you will die young"? It upsets me now even writing it. I didn't want to take those meds. I wanted to find another way to fix my kidneys. If only I could, then my focus went to preventing further decline, if only I could stop that too. By this point, months after my child arrived I had tried veganism, low protein, low fat. Wtf was I thinking. I got so ill so many times. Im so lucky to be alive really. Only when I started watching carnivore videos did my brainwashing subside, but I did not want to go to the otherside. My body tells me I need both plants and meat. It was only when I told a counsellor recently that I was affraid to eat certain foods that I realised I needed to move on from the carnivore videos and just listen to my body, and that is what I am trying to do at the moment, trying not to let regret fill my heart.
Thanks for reading this far. Maybe someone somewhere will relate. Maybe someone somewhere will be helped. You walk this earth only once, find yourself. X
